I came across this article titled ‘American flies to S’pore to find a Vietnam bride’ in the newspaper ‘The New Paper on Sunday’ (Pg 6).
I do not expect everybody to have read the article or even want to read the entire article and so I plan to include the main points in my post and keep this discussion a more general one instead of focusing only on this specific article.
The American, Mr Stomp stated in an interview, “The girls I had relationships with just did not share my values. With a Vietnamese bride, you know exactly what to expect- a person who values love, family, marriage and commitment.”
With four failed relationships, this man chose his bride to be by simply seeing her picture on a matchmaking agency’s website stating, “As soon as I saw Thu’s picture, I knew she was the right girl for me. Her smile was pure and innocent”
What does a picture on a website really communicate?! Besides the ‘looks’ criteria, does it affect your logos (logic)? Pathos (emotion)? What can you really know by looking at a person’s picture although her culture is known to have the values that appeal to you?
In the article it is also mentioned that language between them is an obvious problem which they dealt with by talking in short easy-to-understand-phrases when they spent time alone for the first time.
Language is one the most important mean of expression and hence communication. If two people are from completely different cultures and backgrounds language problems make everything more difficult so how can a man who wasn’t able to communicate his values to women in his own area be able to communicate and live with a women whom he not only is a stranger to but also can’t freely interact with?!
In my opinion choosing a girl or deciding to marry a girl by simply looking at her picture is completely ridiculous, and when your cultures are completely different it makes it far worse. I think good, effective communication, through language and more is very necessary for strong and lasting relationships. Therefore in this case I find it rather astonishing how these two human beings can subject themselves to spending their lives with another without having prior intense interaction as well as having grave troubles with present and future communication. (The idea of subjecting oneself to a matchmaking agency is another topic of ridicule all together).
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Personally I do think by looking at an ad and deciding who your life partner is going to be is a completely ridiculous idea, if one is talking about failed relationships due to values and commitment by looking at the picture how can he deicide that the woman will have those values and commitment?
ReplyDeleteplus with the lack of communication sharing those values with one another will be next to impossible and the degree of commitment will also differ.
But this world is a crazy place and you come across crazy people ! so it is debatable whether love is blind and based on an ad you can decide you life partner.
Haha, I actually read this article in the newspaper! :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree with you that language is a very significant part of communication, especially in a romantic relationship. But perhaps, these two people can relate to each other through non-verbal communication methods (eg. laughter, smile, appearance etc). The marriage can work, I believe, due to the Vietnamese bride being submissive in the relationship. I think her priority lies in finding a husband that can support her, and love can develop overtime.
Haha. I also agree with you that here, pathos wins over logos. He's following his emotions more than his logic. :)
~Sarimah Rokim
hmmm,there are two ways at looking at everything. On one hand even though we might find the amercians decision shallow as he flew to singapore all the way on the basis of her looks, we cannot ignore the fact that many of us make impressions based on a person physical appearence. However on a long term basis looks fade and only personality remains.
ReplyDeletek so....i really dont believe in a marriage working without effective communication....the only thing according to me that can nurture love in two people that too from completely different cultures is understanding....which would be impossible with the language barrier! over time the couple would, according to, me overcome the language barrier but they would be soo tired of this that understanding each other then n understanding each others culture for them then would be their last option. they would jus be agitated all thw while because of all the adjusments and barriers they wud hav overcome to make the marriage work....
ReplyDeleten i completely agree wid the fact tht getting married to someone just by seeing their picture on some matrimonial website is ridiculous....marriages require the husband and wife to be together always n enjoy each others company....love and understanding are required n these feelings are impossible to form by just their picture....u need to kno each other personally
-shival shah
hmm.. interesting post. i do agree with your thoughts however this is a very subjective matter. some people do find their loved ones through agencies but i do think its the dumbest idea.
ReplyDeleteIf we go by the American's logic every Indian woman will be the best bride in the world as they are pretty looking and have some of the best morals and values handed down over the generations. But alas that is not the case.
ReplyDeleteIf the person is not able to communicate with his/her partner how long is the relationship going to last. It can only be a relationship where one person is giving up everything either for money or to get to the so called land of opportunities.
For a couple to be happy it is very important for them to be compatible and also to understand each other.
nice interesting news..
ReplyDeleteeveryone has their own concept of looking into things..well, that guy had 4 relationships already, one more from the agency to take a different turn in life, to see how things worked for him.. not everyone is same, yes, to think about marriage through an agency is ridiculous, but not surprising, many many people are happily married although it was through an agency. So, it depends on every individual afterall..
Communication is the biggest problem... but ntg is impossible.. if you wish to take a step further, everything can be done.. its matter of how you approach it..
For example, in SIM now, all of us come from different background, different culture, society, religion, different language, BUT...
we still make friends, we still stay together and we still do communicate..
So yea, it might be ridiculous.. but its not IMPOSSIBLE...
Hey Dear,
ReplyDeleteI read this article in the newspaper, too. I thought "How can one..." but that is another question.
Personally I do not understand how you can choose a partner of your life from a picture.
In Europe there are many partner search portals on the interet and today it is quite common that people look for partners on the internet. Especially when they have been single for a long time or been disappointed several times.
You mentioned that they have communication problems. I really would be interested in the thoughts of the lady who engaged with him. What are her motives? Has she made bad experiences, too? There are many many stories that women from Asia want look for a European man to have a better life.
But is it a fulfilled life, if you cannot communicate with the partner? I dont think so. You cant share any problems, thoughts, beliefs etc. Can you be lucky without proper communication? Certainly not... So there must be any other reason in her mind.
Isa
thank you for pointing out another very interesting aspect of the article isabell... the girls motives... hmmm... i overlooked that in ridiculing the man as he has been put at the forefront of the article... this comment gives way to new perspective and perception of the entire article...
ReplyDeleteAn extremely striking feature about this article is the tragedy of creation of stereotypes which is a problem faced by many people. To just conclude that every Vietnamese
ReplyDeletegirl would have certain expected values is a bit foolish on the part of the American. No doubt considering the glaring differences in language and culture, their ideas of "values" could also be very different. A cynical observer would no doubt find a hint of hypocrisy in the American's actions. How can he seem to be so desperately in quest of "values" and then just find hem staring at him in the pages of a newspaper. What I mean is, the point of looking for values in a person, is to actually meet them, interact with them and then decide if the other person has the values you are looking for. A picture in the newspaper conveys nothing about a person's values.
On the whole, a misguided American, a seemingly innocent Vietnamese girl who herself could have had a troubled past and cultures, language and values that are poles apart- seem like the perfect ingredients for one of those murky love-stories-gone-wrong. The neutral observer can just keep his fingers crossed and hope that there's some silver lining hidden there for the couple.
LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES.PEOPLE OF TWO ABSOLUTELY DIFFERENT CULTURES CAN LIVE HAPPILY TOGETHER.LANGUAGE IS AMEANS OF EXPRESSING WHAT YOU FEEL.IT IS THE EASIEST AND MOST DIRECT FORM OF EXPRESSION.BUT TWO PEOPLE CAN EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS IN MANY WAYS AND IN TIME LEARN ABOUT THE CULTURE AND LANGUAGE OF EACH OTHER.SO LANGUAGE IS NOT A BARRIER,BUT BY JUST SEEING A PICTURE AND DECIDING IN ROUGH AND DECEIPTFUL TIME IS VERY DANGEROUS.
ReplyDeletei completely agree with u..if he couldnt communicate what he wanted out of a marriage to women who spoke his language and came from the same kind of cultural backgroud,there is no way a woman from a different background and who doesnt even speak the same language would be able to understand what he wants out of a marriage.
ReplyDeleteAlso this man seems to be a little bit too demanding,and in severe need of sme help if found the need to fly half way across the world to find him slef a bride because that country has certain values!!
What you see is not what you get (Most of the time). It's not really wise to look at someone and judge them according to how they look. Sometimes, you might think of them positively because of their culture and background, but they might be different. You might also think of them negatively, which is not really good. Most people judge people by stereotypes they hear. Some may be true and some may not (most are not). So basically, don't judge a book by its cover (even if its cover looks very pretty).
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWell for me, by just looking at a picture and saying that gal/guy is mine and i know it is definitely ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteMarriage and relationships are something that both party has to know of each other backgrounds, a little bit of each others past life (young-hood), characters and behaviors plus understanding them not just physically but mentally as well.
I agree that some, might say i wish to have that girl/guy and they start to make steps forward to getting they guy/girl without even knowing the background of that person at all, this is simply because the girl/guy probably is attracted to the physical of the other person.
After all as people say, what you see is what you get, which in this context assuming the "get" is one's assumption/hallucination/conflict within her/himself and assuming it will be good.
Never judge a book by its cover. You might never know whats the "content".
hey pooja
ReplyDeletecant relate to this at all...how can you just look at a picture and decide you can or cannot marry someone...???
i think...language is not the barrier coz love can overcome any barriers...its the mind..the thought process which is the barrier....
i do like the comments everone has passed...its an interesting read...:)
love poonam
The American man is quite sure to be deceived!
ReplyDeleteI mean even if people claim to possess a sixth sense, it does have its limitations- Love at first sight may surely happen but finding love at first glance in a newspaper is ridiculous to say the least
the beginning of every relationship is the physical appearance - only if two people like what they see will they make the effort of getting to know the other person - however not being able to communicate is completely a shot in the dark - i guess flying half way around the world with the motive of getting married to a person who does not speak your language is bizarre - establishing a relationship based on a stereotype established in your mind can not yield any good results - the base of the relationship is EXPECTATIONS - the death word for any and every relationship - love is a word which causes confusion in mind - people have various interpretations of love - am not too sure that love can overcome the barrier of not being able to clearly communicate...
ReplyDeleteLooking at a pic can be the starting point, but how can u just know "the right person" just from a picture?
ReplyDeleteHere we have a guy, who had presumably met 4 "life partners" in the past, met failure all 4 times, and he believes he can succeed the 5th time just by looking at a photo? Practice maketh man perfect? Or is it just blind hope?
I think it is sheer desperation and nothing else.
Match making agencies may make some sense.
ReplyDeleteIf you dont meet someone suitable in your education/professional/social circle, how do you find a mate? Either depend on your friends & relatives match-making abilities, or go to a professional.
These professionals may be agencies, online websites or, in Indian traditions, the "pundits".
Point to remember is - irrespective of how u get introduced, u need to make ur own enquiries.
Also remember to make sure about credentials of the match maker before trusting them.
hi pooja, definitely verbal communication is must before selecting ur life partner. still what i can understand from your question is actually there are 2 different aspects of your topic.... first is that of marrying in a different culture and second is marrying an unknown person just finding her through internet. as far as the first issue is concerned, i dont feel any problem in that as inter-caste marriages are very common on this earth although very demanding and sacrificing. Still in spite of all these conditions if one is very clear, and wants to go in for a marriage wherein the partner is from a different culture altogether then are certain points that one needs to keep in mind. These points are important because no matter how deeply you are in love with each other, differences will rise due to the variations in culture. It is but obvious for the couple to have arguments but what is most important is the ability of the couples to think beyond these differences. but as far as the marriageS through internet and looking at photo and selecting her/him is concerned here the word FAITH and BELIEF comes into existence remeber......a belief simply means u dont know still u believe.
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